Ditching meritocracy

 
 

Have you ever heard the voice of the Not-Good-Enough whispering to your ear about all the things you haven’t achieved, the talent you lack, the things you don’t have, the things you haven’t done or how much you suck at something?

I wonder when we start hearing that voice and why we feel like we must achieve this and that to prove ourselves. It’s exhausting.

I have been reflecting on this and I think that the problem is in that word: achievement. That’s what a meritocratic society makes us believe, that achievements are the ultimate measure of success in life. But that doesn’t sit well with me.

The Illusion of Meritocracy

Meritocracy. It sounds fair, doesn’t it? A system where people succeed based purely on talent and hard work. The dictionary defines meritocracy as a political, social, or economic system where power, influence, and rewards are assigned solely on the basis of ability and achievement—not on background, privilege, or irrelevant personal traits.

At first glance, that might seem reasonable. Work hard, grow your talents, and you’ll be rewarded. But here’s the problem: in this system, human worth is conditional. In a meritocratic society your worth is demonstrated by your accomplishments. But in our modern societies not everybody has equal opportunities to develop their talents and not all talents are valued equally. Therefore, our achievement capacity might not be the same or our “achievements” might not be acknowledged or valued by the gatekeepers, authorities or institutions in power. Our sense of self-worth suffers in the process and the very thing that a meritocracy was not suppose to reward ends up being rewarded: privilege.

Why I Reject the Achievement Treadmill

Once you internalise this mindset, you step onto a hamster wheel that never stops spinning. If our worth is dependant on our accomplishments we must keep working hard to maintain a good sense of worth. No matter how much you achieve, it’s never enough. There’s always another milestone, another accolade, another way to prove yourself. The race is exhausting. It drains us, leaving no time to rest, reflect, or simply enjoy life.

Must we perceive ourselves as worthless because we have not achieved success as defined by an external entity? And who or what is this external entity with the power to decide what success is or whether your talents and accomplishments are or are not valuable and deserving of reward and acknowledgement?

No wonder people are burning out. No wonder anxiety and depression are rampant. Who can truly thrive in a system that ties self-worth to a never-ending cycle of competition? We don’t have to run that race. We don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone.

A Different Way to Live

I didn’t always feel this way. I have wanted success just as badly as anyone else. I have felt the need to prove my worth and to be acknowledged. That’s the narrative I learnt from the world around me.

At some point, I took a step back and saw the absurdity of it all. Yanis Varoufakis said it best:

“All systems of domination work by enveloping us in their narrative and superstitions in such a way that we cannot see beyond them. Taking a step or two back, finding a way to inspect them from the outside, allows us a glimpse of how imperfect, how ludicrous, they are. Securing this glimpse keeps you in touch with reality.”

That glimpse changed everything for me. I realised I could opt out.

The Freedom of Simple Living

In my personal vision of Simple Living, worth isn’t something I earn—it’s something I already have. I don’t need to prove myself. I don’t need titles, awards or fancy jobs to be a valuable member of my community. I believe we all have something to give to the world, and our gifts and talents, whatever they might be, are enough. So, I am enough.

In this vision of Simple Living I learn the things I learn and work on the things I work because I’m curious, I’m interested and I care, not because I’m after recognition. I rest because I respect my body and mind, not because I’ve “earned” a break. I fail, I make mistakes, and I try again—not because failure is a lesson in resilience, but because it’s simply part of life. And when I spend time with people, I’m present. I feel joy, not the anxiety of being measured and judged.

Can you feel how much lighter it is here?

Simple living and the nervous system credits

 

They Call Me Ninu ©️ 2024

 

In my previous entry I wrote about why I’m simplifying my life and getting rid of the fluff (things that don’t make sense or don’t work for me). I also wrote in this other entry about why I’m choosing purpose over money and career advancement. I’m currently exploring and experimenting with alternative ways of doing things but I don’t have it all figured out yet.

So far, this simple living project looks like decluttering my life and choosing meaningful work over ambition. But I have been thinking about a third very important element that this simple living project needs to take into account: my own nervous system. Not all nervous systems are the same. Our capacity to take on things like workload, daily stressors or sensory input without reaching the breaking point varies a great deal from person to person.

I personally have always had a sensitive nervous system. There are many things that overwhelm me like big crowds, loud and/or constant noise, strong smells, overload of information, the mysterious world of the unsaid, etc. I stop functioning when I push my nervous system too far so I need to look after it.

For many years I thought having a sensitive nervous system was a flaw and I tried to do and live as I saw other people were doing. That did not go well. At some point, my poor nervous system was so unwell I was having vertigo attacks almost every day and later on I had a bad burnout. That period of burnout made me realise two things: 1) I do not have to measure myself against other people and 2) we all have different nervous systems, some people can take on a lot more than others.

Since learning those two lessons I have been thinking about my nervous system capacity in terms of nervous system credits. The way I see it is like this: we are all born with a particular nervous system that has a predetermined number of credits. These credits inform us how much we can take on in terms of workload, daily stressors or sensory input without reaching the breaking point. Some people have a lot of nervous system credits and some have much less. The nervous system credits also let us know what our threshold is and that if we cross that threshold our nervous system can burn out. The degree of burnout will depend on how far we went beyond the threshold and for how long.

Another thing that I learnt about my nervous system capacity is that it is flexible within reason. I can stretch my nervous system capacity a little bit by gently going beyond that threshold for a reasonable amount of time and then giving myself plenty of rest. But I can never try to substantially change the nature of my nervous system by going too far beyond that threshold for too long because that can have pretty serious consequences.

I’m learning to look after myself and have been making a few life changes so that my life feels mine and not someone else’s version of perfect. I reduced my work hours to 20 hrs a week, work from home most days, my outings and social time are less frequent, I have plenty of quiet time every week and reduced my interests and projects to only a couple at a time. My income got reduced too but it’s worth it. I have been feeling so much better and my creativity is back too.

This whole thing of measuring my life against my own capacity, values and abilities is a relatively new development. I’m still working on it but the few changes I’ve made so far have improved my quality of life enormously. This hasn’t been my own doing, of course, my workplace has been amazing at providing plenty of flexibility and my whānau has been wonderfully supportive. I am grateful for this and aware of how big a privilege it is. I want to keep that in mind because being well is never a product of our effort alone.

Getting rid of the fluff

 

They Call Me Ninu ©️ 2024

 

Four years ago I stopped shaving my body: legs, armpits and bikini line. Although I didn’t really shave. I used to use an epilator, which was the most cost-effective and long-lasting way to get rid of my body hair. I never enjoyed the epilating ritual. It was painful and my skin is so sensitive that I often got rashes. I did it for about 25 years until one day I had enough and I just stopped removing my body hair altogether. The moment I stopped made me think about the reason I started. When I was a teenager my classmates said that girls didn’t go around sporting hairy legs or hairy armpits. I never thought of questioning that rule and going against the tide at that age is a scary thing.

Letting my body grow its fluff made me feel free. I was very self-conscious at the beginning but gradually got used to it. It made me wonder when and why women started removing their body hair. Doing a deep dive into the history of female body hair removal I learnt that money (of course) was behind it all. Women didn’t all of a sudden start begging companies for products to help them get rid of their body hair. Female body hair wasn’t an issue. Companies like Gillete, convinced women through advertising that their body hair was shameful. Having ladies buying their razors (not just guys) meant more profits. So female body hair became from there on “ugly, noticeable and unwanted” and an “embarrassing personal problem.”

How silly. I had been putting up with the pain of removing my body hair for over 25 years just to keep up with some standards made up by an industry interested in profiting. Sounds familiar? It’s the story of how our modern world was built. How many other nonsensical practices have I been engaging in just because they became part of a culture initiated by a drive for profit?

That was a big penny-drop moment for me and getting rid of the fluff became my new hobby. Not the fluff on my body but the fluff in my life. I’m slowly clearing out the things that don’t make sense or don’t work for me. It’s a bit of an experiment. In the process, I’m learning interesting things about how things got to be the way they are. Simplifying life is proving to be more enjoyable than I thought it would be.

What Do I Really Want To Do?

 

They Call Me Ninu ©️ 2023

 

Money is a funny beast. From an early age, I learnt that one is supposed to care about money. The adults seemed to want me to learn to save, invest, make safe bets, be financially savvy and choose a career with good prospects for a well-paid job. From these adults, I also learnt that money equals security. So it was not a surprise they were not happy with my decision to study arts. It is not a safe bet, you will struggle, they said. Those ideas must have gone deep in my core because my relationship with money has been anxious ever since I can remember. And I never really gave my creative practice the care and attention it deserved.

I don’t want money to rule my decisions any more. I want to do things differently. I don’t want to keep making safe bets and choosing the job with the steady weekly pay while my creative self shrinks and pains at the back of a dusty drawer. As it turns out, the economic security the adults taught me to pursue only leads to a depressing sense of dissatisfaction. More and more I have been thinking that making choices based on whether they will be ‘good for my career’ just doesn’t make sense anymore. I think the pursuit of money and “career” has done enough damage to our world. Surely there’s a better way to do things?

I want to step out of that false security and ask myself, what do I really want to do? How can I do things differently? Can I be less fearful? How can I share the things I’ve got to give? Are there different ways to make a living other than trying to monetise our gifts? I want to live fully. I want to reconnect with my true self and nourish the soul. I want to attune myself to the rhythms of the Earth and explore, experiment and live a creative life. And to do that I know that I need to simplify my living because I don’t see any other way to make it work. I want to live a life that makes sense to me. That’s why I’m starting this Simple Living Journal. It’ll be an account of the things that I’m experimenting with and what I learn in this ride.